Ep 40 Perfectionism in Parenting: How to Let Go of Mom Guilt and Show Up With Love

Ever find yourself spiraling after a small parenting “fail”? Like that time you lost your cool, forgot something important, or—like me—had a full-on coughing fit in the middle of a live video? 😅

In this episode of Revive in 5, I’m getting real about what it’s like to navigate perfectionism in parenting and the stories we tell ourselves when things don’t go “just right” or we are dealing with mom guilt. 

I’ll walk you through:

• Why perfectionism might be making parenting harder (not better)
• The 90-second rule for emotions—and why we feel stuck longer
• How I use the Breathe LOVE mantra to stop shame spirals in the moment
• Three real tools I come back to when I feel myself spiraling
  
  

This one’s for the moms and dads who are tired of trying to “do it all perfectly” and just want to feel calm, confident, and connected again.

💜 Download the free Breathe LOVE Guide here

🎧 Listen in and let go of the pressure. You don’t have to parent perfectly—you just have to keep showing up with love.

#PerfectionismInParenting #BreatheLOVE #MomGuilt #ImperfectParenting #ParentingMindset #MomLife #ResponsiveParenting #DoneIsBetterThanPerfect #ParentingTools #ParentingWithoutShame

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Sweet dreams! 🛌
💜 Irene 💜

Transcript

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions: [00:00:00]
 In our most sleep-deprived moments, our children will teach us exactly what we need in order to learn and grow into who we were created to be. These are the loving lessons we will learn, whether we want to or not. I'm Irene Gouge, your sleep coach, and I'm on a mission to educate parents on how to help their young children sleep.

Welcome to the journey.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 Welcome to Revive at Five, where we're going to talk about how to rest and reset to get the sleep that your family needs. And this is actually a perfect setup for what we're talking about today when we think about perfectionism, because I want to share with you that I've been running into some tech issues. This has been really frustrating because it's one of the reasons why sometimes I choose not to go live. If I have these issues, then I can get flustered and annoyed [00:01:00], and it really kicks in my perfectionism.

Also, that uncertainty of like, is it going to work? Is it not going to work? Because I don't love to be late like this. But again, like I said, better late than never. And last week when we were talking about getting outside, working on things that we could do to get in that fresh air and fresh light, I ended up having a coughing fit in the middle of the Revive.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And I just want to share with you that it was a really hard thing for me not to want to go in and re-record the session because my perfectionism was kicking in. The story I started to tell myself in that moment was, what will people think? How could I not know to mute the mic? Then I started to shame myself for the things that I didn't maybe [00:02:00] do, or also feeling kind of embarrassed in that moment.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And I think a lot of times when I think about what happens to us in our parenting journey, we can get to this place where sometimes we're like, tell me the strategy or the tool of what we want to be happening. What ends up happening, the reality of it in that moment, is that we start telling ourselves a story, and that story then ends up creating this state of being and this state of mind.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And one of the things we talk about is being rested, being calm and confident, and it's really hard to feel that and show up in a way that we are being rested when we are feeling judged or maybe afraid, or maybe feeling shameful. And a lot of times that's what happens. Because I like my videos to be perfect.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 I want things to just work out and look really good. And I get [00:03:00] nervous going live because I'm like, what if I forget to say something? Then I’ll have to re-record it. Sometimes realizing that done is better than perfect is part of the process and one of the mantras that I need to embrace because sometimes that is what actually needs to happen in order to take imperfect action.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 The other thing too is that if I want to teach my boys, which I've been trying to do since my son's kindergarten homework experience—because let me just share with you that when my son was in kindergarten, he had this homework assignment and he was coloring, and I said, "Connor, don't worry about it. Just let it go. It's okay. We'll just tell the teacher we didn't have time to do it."

Here I saw my five-year-old son. He's just beating himself up and he's so upset. He’s like, "No, I can't." He was just so frustrated and determined to [00:04:00] do it right, even though it was hard in that moment. And I really had to pause and reflect and I was like, why can't he just let it go?

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And the question was really geared towards me. Why can't I just let things go? You know what? He had only watched me and observed me for so many years of not being able to let things go. And so when he was stuck in this place where he didn't know how to take that next step, he was stuck dealing with these big emotions because he was trying to be a perfectionist too. He wanted to get it done even though there were some big emotions coming up for him and he didn't know what to do with them.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And so today I want to share three things that have helped me be able to overcome some of this perfectionism, especially when there's uncertainty in parenting. Because again, remember what ends up happening is we're telling ourselves this story that's putting us in this state that's really taking us away and robbing us from being present in the moment. [00:05:00]

And so one of the first things that I've had to learn is to learn to sit in the discomfort. And part of that process for me is using the Breathe Love mantra.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 Now I have a free guide where you can download the Breathe Love mantra and learn about this framework, but I've been using this since I had my home daycare because it is a process for me to notice the things that are triggering me. And in this moment, and last week when I was having this coughing fit and I was having this urge of like, okay, no one saw the live, it's okay, like just getting started, I could just redo this.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 I had to sit in the discomfort of it not being perfect. Embracing that done is better than perfect. Like I would have told my son with that kindergarten homework—let it go. Move on and take the next action. So I had to recognize, and so in the Breathe Love [00:06:00] mantra, we're going to listen and notice what we are observing in our body.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 What are those emotions coming up? And for me, I was definitely in a place where I was judging myself. I was thinking about the quality that I was putting out there. I was afraid. I was having this fear of, what if people don't like it? What if they are listening to it and they're annoyed that I was coughing, even though I have watched other podcasts or been in my group coaching sessions and the mentor coach is having a cough or a sneeze and it's okay, and I don't bring any judgment—but I was really judging myself harshly in those moments.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 So sitting in that discomfort, recognizing that one of the things we don't realize is that sometimes those emotions as they're coming up for us—where I was having this grief and this judgment and all these things coming up, this human experience—it really usually only lasts 90 seconds if we can give ourselves permission to embrace that. [00:07:00]

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And so I was observing those emotions that I had and that I was working to sit in the discomfort, which of course then allowed me to have the scheduled pity party. And the reason why I bring that up is that sometimes I would allow these emotions to run rampant for many days and then it would suck all the joy out of my day and week.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And so I recognized I had made the decision that I'm going to feel these emotions, and I didn't realize there was also a current of some underlying grief. Because my dad's birthday was actually yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, I had already been thinking about it, like, I can't send him a text.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 So even though we had a strained relationship, one of the things that I found comfort in is that every year I still texted him on his birthday, even if I didn't get a response. But right now, if I text him, it's only going to go to whoever has my dad's phone—that's my brother. And so just realizing that in this moment, that is a grief that I have. [00:08:00] It is something that I need to allow myself permission to practice being in that moment.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 Feeling that discomfort. And so that's my second point, where sometimes we need permission to practice dealing with some of the emotions. Because that is something that I did not do really well. And these are the things that take us away from having that rest and that calm confidence when we are in our parenting journeys.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And the same thing was happening for me when I was hopping onto this live, which was not working out for me, but I was like, you know what? I'm going to do it anyway, even if it's late. And so learning to practice that is part of the skill. And I just want to thank you for your patience—those of you who are in the group—just knowing that like, hey, she said she was going to be on at 11, she's running late.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 Having some tech [00:09:00] issues, but if you're listening to the replay, then I just want you to realize that sometimes these things happen and it is not the end of the world. And that is actually my third point: sometimes working to overcome that perfectionism and that uncertainty means that we need to reach out to others.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And so by reaching out to my business coach and to the women who are in my mastermind, and just being able to say, "Hey, I was having some tech issues. I went live, but then I had a coughing fit," just being able to say it out loud and then being able to remind myself that done is better than perfect was the relief. Because what I would find for myself is that in my perfectionism, I would be trying to tell myself a story and beating myself up and getting into a shame spiral, which would then keep me stuck and keep me in a long-term pity party.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 Which is what I had practiced for so many years. And so [00:10:00] being able to work towards overcoming some perfectionism and uncertainty doesn't mean I have it perfect. It means I'm still going to have relapses. I'm going to have moments where I want to go back to the old way and be comfortable in that shame, but realizing I don't want to. I'm choosing not to.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And so part of that process is taking the time to sit in the discomfort, taking that moment to Breathe Love, then being able to give myself permission to practice what it is like to feel and deal with those emotions. And then being able to reach out to others and communicate that. And really just having a community and a mentor or coach to be able to talk through and process this is so beneficial.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 And literally, I just got done in our sleep coaching community. Just being able to talk through and process the things that we're dealing with day to day. Having a place and a [00:11:00] space where you can talk to someone and work through things can help us get to that place of rest and comfort and help us feel calm and confident in the decisions we're making in our parenting.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 So I hope that helps you as you are navigating your next week. I hope that you can take some time to notice and observe the feelings you're feeling. Sit in that discomfort and give yourself permission to practice. And then, of course, reach out and share with someone because again, that's going to help you continue to take action and take those next steps.

Irene Gouge – Loving Lessons Sleep Solutions:
 So thank you so much for joining me here in Revive at Five, where we're going to be able to rest and reset to get the sleep we need. Thank you so much for being here.

And let me know which part of these three steps might be the one you need to practice. Let me know down in the comments what makes the most sense for you to practice in this upcoming [00:12:00] week to get the rest you need. Thanks for tuning into today's show. You can see all of the details and show notes below, and as you go out into your day, I hope that you'll make it your mission to be calm, confident, and rested as you lead today.

Sweet dreams.